It's kinda hard to know where to start.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years.
We wanted to have another child.
I wanted to give him a baby boy.
Because we already have two girls.
So on a day in Auguest I concieved a baby.
We found out we were pregnant on Sept. the 13th.
I went to the Doctor
with an infection not knowing what was wrong.
They did a test and it came back very positive.
So I took the sheet that they printed out for me.
I went to my hubby's work and showed him the paper.
He was so happy and I just cried.
The next week I went to my Ob doctor.
He did say that I was defently pregnant.
I had an ultrasound done a couple of weeks later.
They told me then my cervix was half the size
it should be.
I was so scared.
Because just a year and a half before this
I lost a little boy to a micarriage at 16 weeks.
They say this is what caused it.
So the Doctor took me off of work
and put me on a low activity to no activity day.
Basically off my feet all the time.
I went in to the Doctor
two or three weeks later for another ultrasound.
It was still the same.
I contiuned to PRAY to God
that He would make my cervix back to the size it should be.
A couple of weeks later we went to the hospital
for another more intence ultrasound.
The ultrasound showed that my cervix and the baby was just fine.
I hear this news and I PRAISED GOD all that day.
As the month's went on I was doing fine.
Into the Doctor's every two to three weeks to just be safe.
Then my Doctor wanted to send me to a high risk Doctor over in Boise
for an ultrasound that would be more intence
and show ever little detail of the baby.
The day before I was to go over to Boise
I started to bleed this was January 16th.
I went to the Doctor's that day
they check me out
and I was dialated to three at that time .
They transported me to Boise to a bigger better hospital.
There I saw the high risk Doctor's.
They left me alone for the night.
The next day they came in and said that they need to do a procedure
that will close my cervix.
During this procedure my water broke that was the 17th of January.
They told me that there was nothing they could do for me now that only time will tell.
I was 22 weeks then.
Labor didn't start which was good
because the longer the baby stay in there the better it would be.
The baby was still moving and the heart beat was very very good.
They told me that the chances for the baby to live was not very good bacause
there was hardly any fluid.
And gave me a bunch of options.
I told them I couldn't and wouldn't give up on my baby.
That God would take care of it all.
Mean while we had our church PRAYING for us.
I went home and stay off my feet
and complete bed rest for the rest of the time.
A week later on the 25th about 3:oo or so
contractions started I PRAYED to God
that His will be done .
But I was also Praying that God saved my baby.
Well an hour or so later I went to the hospital, having contractions.
They check me and said that I was dialated to 4
that it would be a while.
I kept saying its to soon.
My baby is to little
and only being 23 weeks there was nothing they could do to save the baby.
As time went on the contractions turned into full labor.
At 8:04 pm my baby boy was born.
He was so little but still alive.
They said his lungs were to small to breathe on his own.
They cleaned him up and measured and wieghed him them handed him to his daddy.
His daddy held him and talked to him then handed him to me
I just remember looking at him and say how beauitful he was.
Him being only 1 pound and 4 ounces and 12 in a half inches long.
Oh so tiny to tiny to be here.
All I could say is my baby John Paul go be with God and mommy loves you.
Then my mom got to hold him and say her good byes to him.
They asked us if we wanted him baptized we said yes.
I got to hold him as they baptized him.
Crying and praying as they did it.
Saying "HELLO AND GOODBYE" Was the hardest thing I have ever done.
He live for an hour at 9:00 pm he past on to be with God .
He went in his daddys arms.
This time in our lifes were the hardest to deal
with but the hospital staff was so understandable.
They gave us some thing to remember him by.
His foot prints and hand prints.
A hat that he wore and the blanket he was in.
On the 30th of January we buried him.
The funeral was a very small one
the music that we choose was Jesus loves me and Hello-Goddbye
it was a very very sad day.
I broke down right in front of the casket on my knees crying why why.
My last chance for a baby and our little boy is gone.
God please help me though this time and heal my heart.
As the days go on I was getting more and more depressed.
Felt like I was slipping away.
Pushing my family away.
I finally got some anti depressants to help me with this time .
They help me.
But the empty arms still ache for a baby.
But God has given me two girls that I have here to take care of.
I focus on them as much as I can.
But still get down.
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SHARE THIS AND GOD BLESS YOU!!!
